This journal began as I sat with the story of Joseph – his rise, his betrayal, his wilderness, and ultimately, his redemption. It wasn’t just a biblical narrative anymore. It was a mirror. God was speaking to me and revealing what I needed to face: the shame I’ve carried, the forgiveness I’ve withheld, the hard truths I’ve resisted. I needed to learn how to forgive, beginning with forgiving myself, before being able to step into whatever is next.

I separated from my ex-wife in Feb 2023. No one really knew that I had reached the absolute end of my rope 11 months prior – but that I’d decided, as I always had in that marriage, to hold on. 

Four months ago, I couldn’t imagine what acceptance and healing would look like, or how to make peace with my reality. It felt like it was all over, and I had nothing left. I had reached the pinnacle of “nothing”.

For a time, I hid in my bitterness and anger. I used it to justify a full-on retreat. My hiding place became the people who stayed with me – those who saw the full picture and supported me relentlessly. But truthfully, I was looking for an alternative path. One that looked safer. One where I could bury my original calling under a different version of success.

Obedience has never been my strong suit. Some might even say that I have issues with authority. I’ve always believed authority should exist to nurture growth and success. So, if I was convinced there was a better way, I wouldn’t hesitate to bypass it – even if that meant stepping on toes. I’ve seen my successes, but it’s not the wisest approach, especially in the context of long-term trust or healthy leadership structures. It’s something I’ve had to unlearn, and I hope that with time, wisdom, and experience, I’ll continue navigating this better.

John Piper once said, "Your freedom is found in your purpose." I’ve come to believe this with my whole heart. If I don’t walk in faith, if I don’t take the risks required to align myself with what God is doing, I’ll always stuck in some form of regret or shame. God is a creator. He’s always moving, always working for the good of His people, through His people. If I want freedom, I have to get on board with His movement.