Entry Three: Hiding in the wrong place: Shame and forgiveness

For a time, I hid in my bitterness and anger. I used it to justify a full-on retreat. My hiding place became the people who stayed with me – those who saw the full picture and supported me relentlessly. But truthfully, I was looking for an alternative path. One that looked safer. One where I could bury my original calling under a different version of success.

Truly, I was riddled with shame. I was in pain, and I chose to hide in the wrong places. And even though I felt like I was in control, at the peak of my strength – it was a lie. It was an illusion, and it only took a moment for everything to fall apart. One moment, I was fine. The next, I wasn’t. I felt I had nothing, and it led to a double OD. 

David once tried to hide too. In 2 Samuel 11, after impregnating Bathsheba, he tried to cover his shame by sending her husband to the front lines to die. He thought he had escaped his shame, only for the prophet Nathan to appear and call him out. David had forgotten the Father and made a quick escape abusing his power. To this day, that is the one tarnish in his entire life. 

I turned to the story of Joseph in my last entry to discuss Acceptance. Now, I turn to it to look at Shame and Forgiveness.

His story teaches me about the road to deal with shame and forgiveness, however long it is. 

After becoming the Prime Minister of Egypt and following the years of abundance, came the years of famine that he discerned through Pharaoh’s dream. He had been seasoned in his role for about nine years when his brothers appeared to buy grain from him. In chapters 42-45, he starts messing with his brothers—who did not recognize him. He speaks harshly to them, accusing them of being spies and later accusing them of stealing his silver cup. His behavior seems vindictive and motivated by revenge. I can’t fully say if that had a part to play, but two things are clear to me. First, he is testing his brothers’ character to see if they had changed (since selling him into slavery) and if they felt guilty and remorseful, the words they spoke to each other proved that they were. Second, while his goal was reconciliation, he wanted to see if they developed a sense of responsibility. He gauged this by how they would protect their youngest brother (Joseph’s only 100% related brother), their father’s next favorite after Joseph. Again, they proved to have developed that responsibility. In all of this, Joseph is fulfilling the prophecy where his family would bow down to him and depend on him to survive. 

Finally, in chapter 45, he couldn’t take it anymore and breaks down. He then has an emotional reunion with all of his brothers. Despite the hardship he was put through, because of his attitude and decision to keep moving forward, it brought him to a place where he could finally heal and fully forgive. 

The text never explicitly says that Joseph wrestled with shame. However, when he pleads with the cup bearer to remember him, this reveals that he considered his circumstances to be something he didn’t deserve and below him. 

Clearly, Joseph was grappling with feelings of betrayal, integrity and the implications of his circumstances. 

Despite all that, Joseph remained true and decided not to hide in shame but in his Savior. This gave him the strength to perform with integrity and excellence no matter his situation. Joseph continued to move forward despite the shame and bitterness he might have felt. The indication of true forgiveness and healing was when he named his son Manasseh – “Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my troubles and all my father’s household.” Joseph had such a significant mark of redemption that he named his first son Manasseh, which means “to forget”. Joseph had a second son and named him Ephraim, which means “fruitful”. Joseph said, “It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.” His redemption and healing were greater than his suffering. What an outcome. 

It’s a lesson and reminder for me: No matter how deep the cut, forgiveness and freedom from shame are possible. But not if you’re hiding in the wrong place. As Joseph did, we have to turn to the Almighty. Forgiveness is there on the cross. All we need to do is look to Him and keep moving forward. The ‘moving’ is the second part that is vital. As Moses moved and plunged his staff into the Red Sea, we must move even if it seems impossible, and place our faith in Jesus.