Entry Two: Acceptance

Four months ago, I couldn’t imagine what acceptance and healing would look like, or how to make peace with my reality. It felt like it was all over, and I had nothing left. I had reached the pinnacle of “nothing”. 

But today, I see it. A future. The past as something I can leave behind. It’s difficult to accept it, but I’m getting there. Acceptance has been the hardest part of this journey, something seemingly impossible merely weeks ago. My closest friend told me: you’re trying to understand every aspect of it, but sometimes it can’t be understood. You simply have to accept it. 

I wrestled with it. It sounded right in theory, but I didn’t know how that actually worked. I talked to God, I worshipped, I took my pain to Him. I felt His presence, but I had no answers. 

Then I had a bad borderline split and got admitted to a mental facility.

Three pastors I greatly respect visited me there, speaking life into dead places. It took them seeing something within me to help me on the right path. One preached the following week. When I walked into that service, she looked me in the eye and told me her message was designed for me. 

I saw something of victory in that service that day. I saw a hope that I had lost, that I could not grasp for the months since the shock. God is real, and He is moving in my life. 

As I began to conceptualize this journal, I had all 4 topics drafted up in one night. But something was missing. My closest friend confirmed it: acceptance. 

I knew there was more to dig up and discover on this matter. It couldn’t be just an intellectual revelation – it had to be a heart revelation. I read Joseph’s story in Genesis, and as I ran through the passages and chapters, I saw a man who was given a bad hand of cards – but it didn’t stop him from excelling. Acceptance wasn’t something that happened immediately. It took years of being ‘stuck’ in his circumstances that he never deserved. As a result, he never saw full healing until he was redeemed years and years later. 

I’ll do the swiftest summary I can. 

Joseph ignorantly shared prophetic dreams he had with his brothers and family – that he would lead them all and they would bow down to him. Despite his father’s annoyance at him, he continued to be the utmost favorite, confirmed when he received a robe of many colors from his father. Out of jealousy, his brothers sold him to merchants, who sold him to the captain of the city guard, and he became the manager of his household because of his excellent work ethic. He was then framed by the captain’s wife, thrown into jail, and once again put in charge of operations, He translated a dream for Pharaoh’s cupbearer, predicting that he would be restored to his position in three days, but was forgotten, and then remembered when Pharaoh had a disturbing dream that needed to be interpreted. Thirteen years had passed through all these events. When he interpreted those seven years of abundance as coming, followed by seven years of famine, Pharaoh basically made him the prime minister of Egypt, only answering to Pharaoh himself. Joseph made Egypt exceedingly successful and saved nations who came to buy grain from Egypt, including Israel. 

The truth is, by His blood, we can live in this promise. We may, however, need to fall at His feet at full reliance and face the struggles of what's to come. 

I’ve always enjoyed working out. If I go to the gym enough, there are confirmed results. In the same way, as we push through in faith, there is a certainty that our God will come through. Acceptance is a journey; we may not be able to fully receive its healing powers immediately. Beyond acceptance, we commonly have to deal with shame and forgiveness – which I discuss in my next entry. We may have to feel the pain and agony. However, we can cling close to the savor, drawing from Him as Joseph did. We can trust that redemption is a certainty. 

I’m not in the same place as where Joseph was in chapter 41, but simply by wanting to accept what has happened, I can already feel a difference.