Day Three Back: Fri 20th Sep
Reflecting on Job: Chapter 6
Last night, I emailed my clinic to change the appointments I’d scheduled today with both my psychiatrist and psychologist to virtual ones.
I have absolutely no strength in me to leave the house. There is a sense of dread weighing on me and a threat of danger that paralyzes me, and this keeps me stuck to my chair or bed.
My old friend Renee came over last night and we ordered McDonald’s for dinner. Spicy nuggets, of course. Of course, I woke up with bad stomach pain and had very little time to get ready for my appointment with Dr. Sean, my psychiatrist. I managed, somehow.
In the virtual session, I ran through everything that happened and mentioned that I would really like to get an official diagnosis for borderline personality disorder (BPD). Every therapist I’ve worked with has affirmed that I have it, and I figured it was about time. Dr. Sean asked many questions and by the end of it, agreed that I likely have BPD. I also got an MC for the following week since my boss had requested that I take the next week off work as well.
I got in a quick shoulder intensive at the gym and came back in time for my next appointment with Dr Sandor, my psychologist. Again, I listed the events that occurred the week prior. He seemed very concerned and suggested that I get on a mood stabilizer. He also asked me what was the one thing I could do right now, or what the most immediate next step was, to get better. I said, to survive this moment/season.
He went on to teach me a breathing meditation technique, which involves breathing out more through your mouth (tight lips) than breathing in through your nose. If you’re interested in it, there are many google-able references. I mentioned that Reb had once walked me through it. He highlighted that a breathing technique will be the last thing you’d be prompted to do during a panic attack – you’d be better off breathing through a paper bag. It’s all about bringing your breathing into control, and breathing into a paper bag limits the oxygen and can help us not get too worked up.
After the exercise, I felt much better.
I’ve just read chapter 6 of Job, which was interesting. Job responds to Eliphaz, Tema and Sheba, who are essentially saying he’s wrong. They even said that the posture and attitude of his words are too harsh to speak to God and to use more upright words – something we commonly experience from self-righteous Christians. Job responds that he’s in despair, and that he’s taking his heart to God. He then asserts his innocence to God and asks for vindication before man.
While I am not a perfect man like Job, I have made many mistakes. I have messed up many times. I have faced many injustices. And in this time of lowliness, I do ask that I get the vindication I desire for all the times that I was right and misunderstood. I do ask for redemption so that I can pick myself up and become the best version of myself. I do ask for God’s blessings and Favour, that I may make something of myself.
It is so crucial to cling on to hope.
I’m about to leave for a tattoo consultation. I’ve always wanted to retouch my left half sleeve and turn it into a full sleeve.
I am working at getting better and feeling better, bit by bit. Yesterday was tough, but step by step I managed to get through. I am thankful for the people around praying and helping me through. I would not be able to do this without them.
Prayer:
Lord Jesus, I approach you today with a posture of praise. Though my heart is in pieces, my eyes and spirit are focused on You. You are the way, the truth and the light. Lord, I pray that You help me through these small moments of panic and dread. I thank You that I no longer have people who demand that my words be upright, so I come to you in truth and honesty, I take my heart to you. I am in severe pain. Help me to breathe in your life that I feel in the depths of my soul. Save me, my King. I don’t understand the lies that have been spoken over me, to me, behind my back, but right now I choose to cling to Your truth. Redeem me, Lord.
