Day Four Back: Sat 21st Sep

Reflecting on Job: Chapter 7

Last night we celebrated my dad’s birthday at my sister’s (Avril’s), then went to play a pickleball tournament that Avril had arranged. 

When I arrived at Avril’s, I was immediately disoriented by the number of people there. Truly, there weren't that many, it was just our family – big for a family, but not quite a crowd. Still, I felt giddy and my mind couldn’t focus. My vision was blurry, my balance compromised. It was as if I was on something.

I managed to get through and drove off for pickleball. Kyla, my older daughter, rode with me and Lucky, my nephew, sat in the back. He chatted excitedly about his first few weeks at university, plans for his career, and getting his driver's license. 

At pickleball, I was even more disoriented but managed to play. Everyone has been very supportive. 

I was sad to say goodbye to Kyla when I left. It’s something that has been very painful in this divorce: saying goodbye to my kids, who I used to spend every night with, at a time where she used to wait for me to come home to put her to bed before. 

Things are different now. I spend three nights with her a week, and I’d spent zero nights with her in the past ten days. I’m in such a vulnerable place that I don’t know if I’d survive the night without someone watching me.

It’s Saturday today, a chill day. It may not be so chill as Jeff, my pastor, has fast-forwarded my placement in the Perichoresis course originally set for the 2nd of Nov. It’s a course to get in touch with one’s original self pre-trauma and mental illness, and what comes with the woes of life. I’m going in slightly intimidated, but with an open and willing heart. 

Right now, my feelings of shame and emptiness are overwhelming. It helps to have people around. I need to manage my mind and not allow it to wander too far. 

Today, I studied Job chapter 7. It’s titled “Life has no hope”. It’s a cry out to God, a great bellowing of “Why did this happen to me?”. In verse 12, he asks God if He sees him as a powerful thing like the sea or a great sea monster, because his sufferings feel too great and disproportionate to his being. 

I believe we can feel that way. I know my suffering is not as deep as what Job went through, but it often feels disproportionate to my being. I guess that’s why I chose to end my life. 

In this book, Job didn’t give up or choose suicide, but took his woes to God. In verse 11, he offers a great response to his unhelpful friends: “Therefore I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.”. 

This is a clear instruction. Take it to God, speak in the anguish of your spirit, complain in the bitterness of your soul, go to Him, and He may set you free. 

Prayer: 

Lord Jesus, thank You for hearing me, as I have spoken in the anguish of my spirit, as I have cried out to you in the bitterness of my soul. Thank You for the grace you continue to pour into me, that my spirit may breathe life in times of darkness. Thank You for being my light and guiding me as I am totally disoriented and lost. Continue to speak to me Lord, continue to open the eyes of my heart. Amen.