Day Five Back: Sun 22nd Sep
Reflecting on Job: Chapters 8, 9
Yesterday was a struggle. I was stuck in an endless loop, ruminating on all the things I had lost in life. The people I lost. The ministry I lost. How abruptly my recent relationship had ended.
I’d wanted both justice and love. To be heard, understood, and loved as I was. I also lived in fear that I would once again be subjected to a life that I never wanted, like I had been in my marriage for 10 years. It was a dread that I would be perpetually stuck, misunderstood, and living in mediocrity. I thought redemption was coming to me through the relationship that I started. I wanted to show people up and avenge myself through a ministry I planned to build with that person. God tore it down as it had become an idol. He is working on my heart.
I have found comfort in worship. There has been a slow but constant turning of my heart towards Jesus: Jesus as the centerpiece, as the cornerstone, as the focus.
This whole time, I’d been wrestling with giving my trust and whatever minuscule control I thought I had to Jesus, while subconsciously believing that I was the center of everything. This morning, as I worshiped on the balcony, my focus turned towards the Almighty as I shrunk back to the size I ought to be before my Maker.
All my troubles suddenly felt so small, and the answer was right there. In a voice that came to me, I heard, “Look to me. Yes, I will carry you through, I will lift you up, but that’s not why you look to me.”
In chapter 8 & 9 of Job, Bildad, Job’s friend, carries on from where his other friends left off – telling Job to repent. They had not heard or listened to the truth that Job spoke. Job replies in a desperate plea for justice. He says there is no judge here on earth that he can plead his case to. He feels caught by his friend's accusations and key point of truth: that God is always just, which points to his poor circumstances being just. Of course, we know Job was blameless.
Job goes on to ask how anyone can truly stand upright before God, and that he feels stuck, because God is just and as good as Job is, he isn’t perfect.
Job understands the mind of Christ: it’s bigger than platitudes and rituals. He can expand his mind, which is why when he speaks the anguish of his spirit and cries with the bitterness of his soul, he knows God listens – he knows God isn’t petty, he knows God wants to hear him.
I have felt misunderstood and wronged at many times in my life. Right now, I’ve fallen to the point where I’d felt like I had nothing left and decided to take my own life. While I wasn't blameless, what I did to cause the end of my relationship was a sad attempt at preserving my life and making me feel safe. It wasn’t out of spite or disrespect. In fact, I had loved so fully that now at times, I feel like if I move just a little too much, I’d fall to pieces.
The truth is that I cannot stand upright to God. My voice has been silenced, so I cannot plead my case. All I can do is look to the father, rededicate my life, and once again become a worshiper and a man of faith.
Prayer:
Lord Jesus, forgive me for all the times I felt that I was the main character of my life. Forgive me for the idolatry in my heart. I thank You Lord, that you are teaching with grace, truth, and love. I want to be better and I commit myself to be better. I commit myself to You, my King. Amen.
