Day Six Back: Mon 23rd Sep
Reflecting on Job: Chapters 10, 11
Yesterday was a rough day. I was feeling the pull of depression, and ignoring my depressive thoughts just wasn’t working. I tried to focus on the positive – I’ve got an instax Polaroid printer, so I printed out some photos of my kids and friends, and of myself on a solo road trip to the valley of fire in Vegas.
None of it offered much comfort. The only solace I had was during my time of personal worship, bible study, prayer, and writing.
It’s days like these where my mind wanders, that I must take things ever slowly.
A friend came over and in passing, she mentioned how she’d heard of someone’s “successful” suicide. Which is apparently the right way to say it, out of respect for the person's wishes (to die).
Rebekah and I headed to the F1, which was uneventful. But again, I had the feeling that I was experiencing these things for the last time. My final F1, my final time watching fireworks, my final concert (Lenny Kravitz), my last time sitting on the Padang looking at the big screen.
In Job chapter 10:15-17, Job basically says that either way, whether guilty in the eyes of God or innocent, he suffers. There is no true redemption. If he is proven right, he has still lost everything. If he is wrong, he’s to blame. He goes on to state his paranoia that there only further affliction lies beyond that.
I think that at times, we can feel so judged, so misunderstood, so mistreated that even if justice were to come, it feels like the damage has already been done. What could possibly happen next to make it better? When you’re living in such utter failure, there only exists a paranoia of it getting worse.
God's ways are different. He’s taking Job on a journey. I'm on a journey right now with Him. The best thing I can do is to let go of these illusive handles, to let go of my assumptions of what’s to be, and let God do His work. All I can really do is to breathe as well as I can, focus on Him, make intentional healthy steps that keep Him at the center, and to wait.
In chapter 11, Zophar speaks and tells Job he deserves worse. He shares the same longing for Job to have an audience with God, but for the opposite reasons. Job longs for vindication, and Zophar is certain that Job will be condemned.
All we can do is speak in the anguish of our spirit and cry in the bitterness of our soul. All we can do is worship and look to Him, and wait.
Prayer:
Lord Jesus, there isn’t much that I can do to make things better right now. My mind wanders, my thoughts take me and I sometimes feel like I'm not in control. Help me, my King, to release my life to You. To be comfortable as I am now, in the muck of my mind, in the muck of my circumstance. I release it all to you, my Lord. Amen.
