Day One Back: Wed 18th Sep
Reflecting on Job: Chapters 1, 2, 3
Yesterday, at noon, I was discharged from my 4-day stay in the hospital.
The first thing I had to do was go back to my place to collect what I needed for the weeks ahead. Back to the place where so many things had happened. A serious car accident. Times I’d blacked out while having borderline splits, or episodes. And, most recently, where I’d OD’d.
When I got there, I knew I had to get it over with quickly and try not to think about everything that had happened there. I couldn’t hold off some severe anxiety and panic attacks, but my best friend Rebekah helped me through it. I’m rehabilitating from her place now. It isn’t ideal, but at this point everyone understands how critical this time is for my survival.
I've faced some serious mental storms over the past few days. Yesterday, at its most severe, I remember literally feeling my mind slipping. A quick glance at the look on Rebekah’s face confirmed it.
It’s a strange thing, coming to that fork in the road and having to decide whether you’re going to be a mental case or a normal person from now on. I asked her to pass me the bible. As soon as I read the words, relief came to me and my sanity was restored. What came to me was the feeling of liberty I once had when my reliance was on God.
In the opening chapters of the book of Job, God has a dialogue with Satan about a blameless man, whose name was Job. Satan tells God that Job is so steadfast and loyal because he has been so blessed. As a result, God gives him permission to destroy everything that Job cherished – everything except Job’s life. Job’s immediate response was to worship God.
This brings me to my key point in this journal. By no means am I a blameless man – I’ve done much damage to the people around me in recent years.
However, if my first response had been that of worship and praise and decreasing myself – my pride, my success, my failures and even my heartache – I wouldn't have attempted to take my life. I have always prided myself on being a lover of truth, but somewhere down the road, I lost sight of that in favor of an illusion of control and keeping myself safe.
Job stuck to his guns and the truth. Despite everything that happened to him, he knew somewhere inside of him that God was still on his side. Why else would he have remained faithful?
Trust and safety come from Him, not people. For the past 2-3 years, I built up pillars and walls in the form of people, to keep me safe from the torrential rain I faced while in my early ministry. This was a time where I had little to no emotional support. In the youth of that time, even while I was an ordained pastor, the weight overtook me.
After reading the word, we went for a walk, and I felt that life I once had in past within me. I reflected on the faithless man I had become, living in defense and fear, fighting for a sense of control I never truly had.
I’ve struggled with depression and mental health for most of my life, but I've never given up like this before. There was always something that would hold me back: my daughters, my ministry, the people depending on me. I haven’t had an easy life, which is something most people don’t know about. And on the 14th of September, I reached a point where I felt totally hopeless. I felt like everyone would be better off if I just disappeared. I could no longer see what God had for me in the future, and I truly felt like it was my time.
It is true that the enemy is very good at lying.
When we got back from the walk, my mind began to drift. My eyes were darting about from one focal point to another, trying to evade the intrusive thoughts that attacked me. To Rebekah, I just looked like I’d gone completely insane. I began to pray and just as I felt better, a freaky storm blew in (it was also later reported in the news – 17th Sep 2024). I knew the enemy wasn’t happy. I had finally turned back to God, and now I know that though the road ahead will be one of grieving, I once again know how to overcome it. He is with me.
I had a good sleep and I’m in the gym now at 9:10am. I just completed an ab workout. I’m about to do half of the upper body workout I’m used to, followed by legs and then a short run.
Prayer:
Lord Jesus, thank You for saving my life, thank You for bringing me back. Thank You for the people You have placed in my life that truly love me and care for me. Jesus, help me to keep my eyes on You, just as Job did, that the first words out of my mouth when I have an intrusive thought, when I wake up in grief, when something unpleasant comes to mind be words of praise. I love You my King. Open the eyes of my heart. Amen
