Day Eleven Back-in: Mon 30th Sep

Reflecting on Job: Chapters 30-34

Waking up in hospital after a second attempt feels silly. 

I woke up intubated, again. Everything was a blur. I’d been in a BPD split when I made this last attempt – I had no foresight. I’d never intended for this to happen. 

Long story short, I got into the most minor of arguments with Reb over a triggering topic and went into a borderline split. It got tense as she was hiding my meds and car keys. I found the meds, which was good enough for what I wanted to do. As I type this out from my journal, I’m realizing now that I repeated the same story from yesterday – an indication of how out of it I still was from the overdose.

There’s much to learn from how Job deals with sorrow. In Job 30, Job contrasts the honor of his past life to the honor of his current life. While he very sadly laments his life, never at any time does he forsake the truth of the present, which is that God will always prevail. God is a promise keeper. Even if you have no foresight, there are promises about your life and what's to be. These are things to cling on to.  

In the weeks prior to this, I've noticed God’s work in me. I can feel the echoes of change. There has been an uplift in my soul. I believe that I even look different. 

I want to sincerely state that I would like to be a man of God, having my heart after His own. At my lowest, I thought I had nothing left because of recent battles:  divorce, leaving my ministry and people behind, being rejected and judged by the same people who I helped when they were at their worst. 

Having nothing wasn’t my problem. There was still much to live for; there were promises made over my life since I was a child. Truly, the only problem I had was that I became faithless and self-dependent, always trying to keep myself safe and control my life. Now, I begin to see this. 

If you ever find yourself in a hopeless place, fight. Fight, but don’t do it alone. Turn to your maker, turn to the almighty. 

Prayer: 

Lord Jesus, as life presents so many challenges, much of which can feel overwhelming and be so dominating, help me to turn to you. Remind me of the promises You have spoken over my life, remind me of the life that lives within me that is present, and that will bring me into my future. Still my soul, silent my spirit. I wait for You. I will not set my mind on things too great or wonderful for me, but I will wait on You.