Day Twelve Back-in: Tues 1st Oct
Reflecting on Job: Chapters: 35-37
It's kind of strange to be writing a “12th day back” while still admitted for a second suicide attempt. But this is real, and it's raw, and I’m done making things look more sanitary than what they actually are for other peoples’ comfort. If anyone reads this, I trust that God will use this for good through His power.
On a funny note, while in the psych ward, the dude with the heaviest mental disabilities appointed me as the boss of the ward. He asked me if he could sleep. I said yes, and he immediately fell backwards and slept.
Coming back to Job. In chapters 35 and 36, Elihu, the youngest, comes in like a little punk to attack Job and his friends while declaring his youth. Elihu says Job thinks righteousness alone will save him, while neither righteousness nor wickedness changes anything for God. Elihu then tells Job & friends that they cry out in pride rather than prayer and repentance.
In chapter 36, Elihu continues on a very long tangent, saying that the righteous prosper and the wicked get what they deserve. He seems very idealistic, and I believe either his age or basic misunderstanding of faith is showing – probably both. This brings me to the section when Job said the very opposite (in chapter 21). A quick reminder – Job states how the wicked in fact do prosper, and not only do they prosper, but their kids do too. He says people are fooled by how squeaky clean the wicked are, and are only looking at the external presentation and not their hearts.
It can be very hard to be real and honest because it messes with the picture-perfect facade that us Christians feel the need to upkeep. I’ve always been the type to say it as it is. However, on the pulpit and in my early writings, I’ve commonly held back. I will no longer do that.
Right now, I feel clearer than I’ve ever had, and focused on what needs to be done. I have peace in me and the strength required to conquer.
Prayer:
Lord Jesus, thank You for being with me in this journey. I know the strength I feel now will quickly fade and I pray that You will continue to be with me when the grief and the cloud of depression comes over again, in this up and down cycle of healing and seeking You. I need You, my King, I am nothing without You. Help me to move ahead in step with You and not become conceited, provoking or envying.
