Day Ten Back-in: Sun 29th Sep

Reflecting on Job: Chapters 23 - 29

I am writing this a few days later.

Late on Thursday night, the 26th of September, I was triggered and impulsively OD’d again. After a bit of a tussle for my pills with Rebekah, I escaped downstairs with nothing but my iPad and wallet, bought an orange juice, and swallowed another 4k mg of amitriptyline. The general idea was to get into the tree line nearby, but I didn’t get very far before passing out on the sidewalk.  

Rebekah called my family down and they arranged for a search party with the police. An officer found me three hours later. I was rushed to the hospital, where they pumped my stomach three times. I woke up in a strong daze – I was still recovering from the first OD, and it took longer to get me to the hospital this time round. 

All I remember before I passed out was looking up at the stars and praying. 

Here’s something to note. It's so incredibly important to recognize what can cause you to spiral. Alcohol doesn’t bring on my BPD splits/episodes, but does it enhance my feelings, making everything 3x worse when a split happens. 

Interestingly, Thursday was my best day. This tells you that you can never let your guard down when you’re in the early stages of healing. 

Job didn’t let his guard down. His friends’ roles were simple – to comfort. In the chapters that lead to 30, you can see how Job is constantly guarding his heart and the truth. Job even talks about guarding against idolatry (Job 31:26). This is the difference we see in his life. He is a Godly man guarding against ungodly thoughts and temptations (like violently reacting, or taking a posture of bitterness). Job’s plight required guarding of the heart and mind. That is how steadfast he was. 

I believe this is the answer as to how to stay alert, especially when recovering and in grief and depression. We so easily fall back into old ways. Grief presents us with options, and neither of these are easy paths. 

It's clear here that Job kept his faith and his hope. 

Prayer:

Dear Lord, help me to guard my heart and mind as I draw near to you. I desire to be steadfast like Job was in his time of peril. Won’t You pour Your love into me and give me the grace that I need in this time of survival, healing, and growth. Thank You Father. Amen.